It's Time
An open letter to Secretary Hegseth
Dear Mr. Secretary,
On Friday you told reporters: “The only thing prohibiting transit in the straits right now is Iran shooting at shipping.” Fifteen days in, and the best we’ve got is the President asking the UK, France and even China to send warships. That’s not MAGA. That’s weakness.
I have a solution that doesn’t require a single phone call to Xi. A solution that only President Trump could pull off, because only he has the vision, and the arsenal, to do it.
We nuke us a canal.
Plowshare 1.0
America has dared to solve problems with nukes before. In 1957, the Atomic Energy Commission launched Project Plowshare. Named after the Bible. Isaiah. “They shall beat their swords into plowshares.” I know you’re more of a swords man, but plowshares are lethal too. Especially when your plowshare is a thermonuclear device.
The guy behind it was Edward Teller, father of the hydrogen bomb and Princeton man (before that meant woke).1 The Atlantic-Pacific Interoceanic Canal Study Commission spent years planning to nuke a sea-level canal through Colombia. They were “confident that someday nuclear explosions will be used in a wide variety of massive earth-moving projects,” but some hippies got worried about radiated milk and killed their momentum. The time to cash in on Teller’s vision is now.
The Plan
Instead of fighting over a 21-mile-wide bottleneck forever, we cut a new channel through friendly territory. A dozen thermonuclear detonations and you’ve got a waterway wider than the Panama Canal, deeper than the Suez, and safe from Iranian attacks.2
The Canal Commission estimated you could nuke a canal for $5 billion. You know what else costs $5 billion? A few days of this war. It pays for itself before the fallout settles.
See below for the CONOP I threw together in Gotham. Or click the link to nuke your own.
Preempting the Hand-Wringers
Now, I know what the woke deep state is going to say, and I want to save you the trouble of listening to them.
“The Comprehensive Nuclear-Test-Ban Treaty?” Never ratified it. Even if we did, who cares. Next.
“The environmental impact?” Mr. Secretary, Iranian oil is leaking everywhere. Tankers are on fire near Fujairah. This approach is constructive destruction.
“Radiation?” Radiation is the most overblown left-wing conspiracy since climate change. The Plowshare’s 1962 underground Sedan test fallout reached South Dakota in 1962 and South Dakota is fine. Went for Trump by thirty points. Plus, the residual glow keeps Iran from trying anything funny near the new channel.
The Trump Canal
Your boss is a builder. Trump doesn’t want to play nice with a coalition of countries he hates to patrol the Strait of Hormuz. He wants to cut a ribbon and watch the chyron on Fox. “TRUMP CANAL OPENS — LARGEST IN HUMAN HISTORY.” Mr. Secretary, give him that chyron and you win the war and keep your job. We can even tariff the tankers.
My DMs are open.
The views expressed above do not necessarily represent those of anyone with brain cells.
Update: Newt approved.
Might end up being more than a dozen but hey who’s counting. From Kaufman’s Project Plowshare (2015).
"You know, the nuclear canal, a lot of smart people are saying we should do this. They said sleepy Joe should have done it, but no, too weak. They say this is the most nuclear canal that's ever been laid, can you believe that? Most nuclear. Isn't that something".
I genuinely worry this type of idea would appeal
The Iranians will pay for it if you use their uranium.